One Mother's Stuggle

It is not easy to accept you have given birth to a daughter who is not 'normal'. You keep going over your pregnancy in your mind -'what did I do wrong? How was it different from my other pregnancies?' I had difficulty looking at other mothers that I knew who smoked and drank throughout their pregnancies and knowing I didn't. I would get angry that their child was perfectly healthy and mine was not. Doctors say it wasn't a genetic problem and there were no known environmental issues to speak of.

What could cause so much destruction of my family's plans to have a normal and happy life?

People say "It was Gods will...everything happens for a reason" and my favorite.."God only gives you what you can handle." Well if that were the case there would be no alcoholics or drug attics. My answer, 'I wish God wouldn't trust me so much'.

Every one has to struggle in life. That is what life is about and what gives us purpose. isn't it? I have a problem is understanding why it has to hurt so much to have a child with a disability.

I believe my daughter is happy, so why does it hurt me so much that people look at her with confusion and irritability when she talks in her own language. Or when I get judged as a bad parent that can't control my own child when she has a tantrum in public. Or when I have to struggle to get help from the school, the government, friends and family. I hate having to ask. I feel guilt having to ask. At times, I get overwhelmed with the enormity of the responsibility of it all. My first and last thought of the day, "Where is Robyn and what is she doing? Is she safe?"

I go through little heart breaking grievances every day when we come to something she should be able to do, but can't. I feel sorry for her and myself because she can't say what she wants to say and I can't understand her.

She requires so much energy and time. I sometimes feel I don't have it to give. I am always looking for that extra ounce in the reserve. I feel guilty when I don't have it to give. Every day I deal with the issues of having a child with a disability. There are things she cant do for herself, that I have to do or I have to show her how to do over and over again. The repetition in her daily life can be a struggle as well. I am pretty sure I have more patience then the next person, but even I have my limits.

I love my daughter and I want only to help her. That said. I also hate the constant struggle just to get through the day.

What can I do? How do other mothers deal with these issues? I know I am not alone. I am looking for other parents with ideas and suggestions.

Please email me at kellycole@advocatesquest.com. I thank you for your input.

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